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Last week I reached out to my therapist and asked if she could tell me the date of my first session along with any notes she had taken. Friends, be careful what you ask for lol, but I do believe sometimes we need reminders of how far we’ve come. This week’s Truth Tuesday I’m going to share some very personal information with yall in order to show you that it’s possible to heal, learn and evolve through therapy.
My first therapy session was February 6th 2010, and it was basically an information gathering and goal setting session. There were three quotes of mine that she jotted down, and today I’m happy to share them with you.
I feel lost
I get angry easily (she wrote that the anger was due to my abuse as a child)
I am not getting along with my father right now
She also provided me with the goals we identified and discussed
Deal with my history of sexual abuse
Work on anger issues
Address conflict with my father
Desire to form a long-term relationship with a man
Gain clarification about my direction in life
Let me unpack the above notes. I remember walking into her office a scared 20 something not sure what to expect from my first therapy session. I was walking through life as a lost angry soul. There was a constant internal conflict. Knowing who I was, but not being able to outwardly express it was something I struggled with daily.
I’ve worked on being a better communicator. This has helped me with my anger issues. Me being able to Use My Words and effectively express myself has been the catalyst for a lot of change in my life. Becoming a better communicator also forced me to tip toe into the land of vulnerability.
I was able to work through the child abuse by accepting that it was not my fault, erasing all the shame associated with it and realizing that everyone (even the ones closest to me) won’t believe it or fully understand it. Once I started to open up in therapy about my abuse and the effects it had on my life I was able to break free from its hold.
There was one goal I set during my first session that wasn’t accomplished. I don’t have a relationship with my father. I can’t tell you the last time I’ve spoken to him. I tried to cultivate a relationship, but for whatever reason it didn’t happen. At this point in my life I’m not concerned with whose fault it is or who did what wrong. I’ve made peace with the fact that we’ll never have a relationship.
Speaking of relationships, one of my goals/desires was to have a romantic relationship. Well, as you know I’m Stew and there’s an amazing man in my life named Hutch that I happily get to call husband. I find solace in knowing that because I’ve done my work and married an amazing man our kids won’t know the pain of abandonment I’ve felt throughout the years. We call that breaking generational curses my friends.
I walked into my first therapy session lost, angry, afraid, having no sense of direction and honestly barely surviving. Through 9 years of evolving I rarely get angry, I’m loved, I’m vulnerable and although I might not know my exact destination I know which direction to go.
Recently I purchased The Therapy Reflection Journal by Roslyn Postlewaite.
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again, therapy literally saved my life!
Until next time loves…